ladybugs

so its been a while since i have blogged. havent really felt like it since mom died. its weird, life goes on but some things just havent seem to fit and to be honest i really havent felt like posting the rest of the story about when she died. i know i need to bc i dont want to forget. it was beautiful. she was with me when i took my first breath and i was with her when she took her last. full circle i guess. but anyway...

today was thanksgiving as you all know and i was not really sure how the day would play out so i just took it one hour at a time. we went to my aunt beckys house today, that was not really out of the ordinary we spend a lot of holidays at her house. but mom wasnt there. her usual spot on the couch was empty, well until i sat in it. i missed her, we all did. no one really spoke about her, i think we are all scared, maybe scared that doing so will open the water falls and the tears wont stop. or maybe i am the only one who thinks that. i dont know. i really dont know much these days. i miss her. i miss talking to her. its been over 3 months since she has been gone. 3 months since i have talked to her. its the daily talks about nothing that i miss the most.

as i was putting up our christmas decorations this week - which are actually ALL hers bc my dad gave all of hers to me - she was all i could think about. a few years ago when maggie was a baby i didnt want to put up a tree, you see i used to help decorate my moms house every year, especially the past few years as she got sicker, and i never felt like putting up my own decor bc her house used to be like the loganville version of the north pole yall. straight up cmas all over the house. a tree in every room kind of decor. so i just was never in to it at my own house. and then a few years ago she said - erin you have to put up a tree you have kids. and so i did. and i have every year since then even when i didnt feel like it bc she would give me a hard time. so this week as i was putting up all of her stuff all over our house i just kept hearing her say - you have to put up a tree, you have kids. so its beginning to look at lot like christmas here and i think she would be proud of me.



so back to today, i missed her. but i think she was with me - actually i know she was, see ladybugs were always our thing, at least after maggie was born, we always called maggie bug and then we would buy ladybugs and then when my mom and i got our matching tattoos we added a lady bug to represent our little bug.





today when i was following william around i sat down and there she was. this little lone lady bug crawling across the table. when i put my finger next to it, she crawled right up into my hand and i knew, i knew my mom was saying hi. it made me smile.