Saturday, June 7, 2008

the sweet smell of...fear?

so tonight as i was rocking my sweet babe to sleep, like we do every night, she was extra cuddly. she has taken to drinking her bottle with her back to my chest and then turning over to face me where she usually will fall asleep. tonight she turned over and gave me a sweet long open mouth baby kiss right on my cheek next to my nose. it was so sweet and when she did it i could smell her. she had just had a bath yet she was sort of sweaty, she gets hot easy. so combined with her shampoo smell i could also smell her. her scent.

what is it about the way your baby smell that gets your hormones all wacked out. my stomach tingles, then it hurts. i love that little girl so much that it makes me crazy. crazy good and crazy bad. i am so excited and so looking forward to watching her grow. yet so afraid and so nervous to watch her grow.

just tonight she was moving the chairs from the kitchen into the living room. "they" say moving furniture is a normal part of toddler hood. wait...i have a toddler, what happened to my baby? wasnt i just waking up with her every 2 hours, didnt she just learn how to roll over, crawl, pull up, walk??? now she is moving chairs. what happens when she gets up on them, and then onto the counter. what if she falls. cracks her head. we go to the hospital, she becomes one of those babies you see what a pink cast on her arm and think how cute? uhhhhhh. deep breath out.

when i smell her like that i get afraid, afraid to trust God, afraid that no matter what i do, something will happen to her. something worse than a broken arm. the worse fear, every moms nightmare. so tonight i am confessing that, confessing that tonight, i am afraid.

5 comments:

Kristin said...

I am right there with you Erin! I have just heard it gets worse as they get older. I look at teenagers and I am so glad that I am at the stage I am now.

KatieMGreen said...

thanks for sharing. i am so in the same boat, and it's always in the forefront of my mind. since the day she was born, i cried thinking, "i can't let anything happen to this little girl!!" it's so hard not to be in control.
thanks for sharing.

Jared & Stacey said...

Every moment of every day I am loving Matney in way I could never have understood possible...and terrified that something will happen and I won't have her anymore. I hold her at night thanking God for one more day with her and beg Him all day for another day tomorrow.
And I wonder which would hurt worse - something would happen that I can't stop and she isn't on earth anymore or something would happen and she would be here but choose not to be with me??? And I wonder if that is how God feels...because I choose not to "be with Him", not to trust Him even though I know His love is so much bigger and better than I could ever imagine. Way more than my love for my daughter.
I am right here with you, in fear, Sister.

Lacey said...

I'm just glad to know someone else feels this way too and I am not crazy!

andyjillroberts said...

I'm not even a parent yet and the THOUGHT of all those things has overwhelmed me at points. Sometimes it terrifies me to even have kids because of this exact thing. Appreciate the honesty, it's refreshing to read and know I'm not alone in thinking these things.