so tonight as i was rocking my sweet babe to sleep, like we do every night, she was extra cuddly. she has taken to drinking her bottle with her back to my chest and then turning over to face me where she usually will fall asleep. tonight she turned over and gave me a sweet long open mouth baby kiss right on my cheek next to my nose. it was so sweet and when she did it i could smell her. she had just had a bath yet she was sort of sweaty, she gets hot easy. so combined with her shampoo smell i could also smell her. her scent.
what is it about the way your baby smell that gets your hormones all wacked out. my stomach tingles, then it hurts. i love that little girl so much that it makes me crazy. crazy good and crazy bad. i am so excited and so looking forward to watching her grow. yet so afraid and so nervous to watch her grow.
just tonight she was moving the chairs from the kitchen into the living room. "they" say moving furniture is a normal part of toddler hood. wait...i have a toddler, what happened to my baby? wasnt i just waking up with her every 2 hours, didnt she just learn how to roll over, crawl, pull up, walk??? now she is moving chairs. what happens when she gets up on them, and then onto the counter. what if she falls. cracks her head. we go to the hospital, she becomes one of those babies you see what a pink cast on her arm and think how cute? uhhhhhh. deep breath out.
when i smell her like that i get afraid, afraid to trust God, afraid that no matter what i do, something will happen to her. something worse than a broken arm. the worse fear, every moms nightmare. so tonight i am confessing that, confessing that tonight, i am afraid.