Wednesday, April 9, 2008
alcohol ~ a love/hate relationship
attention long post ahead.
since i mentioned the other day in my weigh loss post about doing it one day at a time like my sobriety i have been asked by a few people how i did it. AA, church? what worked for me? well it all goes back to a day in 1999 when i was about to graduate from college (FINALLY after 9 years, hence the need to stop drinking). i was working in a bar (go figure) and all of my "friends" came up to me one day and said you have a problem. i said no i dont, i can stop anytime. so i did. for them. not for me. it lasted a few days. then finally one morning after my best friend had to come get me from somewhere i should not have been and didnt remember going to I realized that i did indeed have a problem.
you would think i would have figured it out after i got into a fight (a real hair pulling, slapping on the ground fight) with another female co worker. or after many nights of lying to my boss that i was just fine and we were going next door
to eat so just give me my keys and then didnt go eat and drove myself home barely able to see. or after years of dysfunctional friendships and relationships. not to mention the 9 yrs of college....anyway i digress. so i realized i had a problem and went to an AA meeting that next morning with my friend. i cried the whole time and then picked up a white chip (this is what they give you when you decide to surrender to your addiction and try the sober life) so i got a chip and started going to meetings. i told all of my coworkers and customers that i was not going to drink anymore and even if i begged or paid them, they were not to serve me! so fast forward to about 6 or so months in to this sober life. keep in mind i am still working in a bar SERVING alcohol. hello anyone see a problem here?
i met someone who went to church. this person knew i was trying to stay sober and would share stories with me about church and how their family had struggled with this problem and that problem. we would talk for hours about God and how He would help me with my drinking and staying sober if i would just let him. well i kept "working the program" "doing my step work" "got a sponsor" all that AA stuff and was still miserable.
so i shared that with my friend after i had been sober a year. i said i am still miserable i dont want to die but i dont want to live either. so they shared with me "how to accept Christ" into my life and encouraged me to just let it go. you know in AA they tell you about "let go and let god" but i just couldnt grasp the whole "higher power" thing when it was compared to a pillow, a pencil and a tree.
now hear me clearly i am NOT knocking AA if you read this you go to AA and it works for you please dont post here and chew me out bc i am glad that it is working for you. but for me i needed something more.
so that conversation happened on a monday afternoon. i sat on my floor and prayed, this time to Jesus.
and after my room stopped glowing bright white light i got up and it was better. my tears had literally evaporated off of my face. i felt all tingly and i just knew it would be alright.
so tuesday i went to work. i quit my job. i borrowed money from a friend. i broke my lease. i moved in with my bff. i found a church (not NPCC or BC yet) and started looking for a "real" job.
so here we are NINE YEARS LATER! i have an amazing husband
that led to the most amazing child in the world.
i have a great relationship with my parents. i have honest, loving friendships. i my friends dont have to worry that i might stab them in the back. i LOVE my job. life is just good.
yes i miss drinking. not every day but a lot. when i was planning my wedding i was very stressed out about what we would do about the toast and all that. so we just didnt have one. it worked out.
when i go to sports events, concerts, parties, etc. it is hard. but then i look at my family and think about my job and it just isnt worth it.